He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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