I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
