Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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