Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i think i have two assholes
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
