I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
