Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
