i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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