some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
