So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
pop tarts are not kleenex
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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