I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
