your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Randomize
