Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
