left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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