And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I want to make a zoo with you.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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