You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
