If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
