Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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