I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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