I wish I could teleport
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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