I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
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Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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