After last night, I could never be a politician.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize