Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
