the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
