I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
