WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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