My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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