you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
The beer is more important than you right now.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
