I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
