i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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