She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
