It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
