they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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