im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
