She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
