so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You're like the curious george of whores
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Randomize
