After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
