The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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