I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
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