Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
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