Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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