There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
