I want you more than these girls want KFC
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
