We won't sleep together?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Randomize
