Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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