I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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