last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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