I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
