And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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