my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
i would punch a child for taco bell
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
