You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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