I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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