u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
