I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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