i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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