Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
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The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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