...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
