his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
